Editor's Note

Cover Story

Taste Buds

Events Calendar

 COVER STORY

February 2008

By Nicole Kidder

© Copyright 2008 ColorsNW Magazine

Raising Conscious Kids

For many parents of color, sustainability, creativity and community are becoming core family values

Modern families are more stressed out than ever before. Parents begin their day with a mad scramble to get the kids out of bed, dressed, fed and off to school. Then, they dash to work, where at the end of eight hours – if they’re lucky – they rush home to shuttle between activities before preparing dinner, approving schoolwork and tucking the munchkins into bed. They are also expected to carve out time to invest in each other and in their community. Above all, they must do it perfectly.

In the midst of these high expectations, families are struggling to unearth quality activities that allow them to connect in meaningful ways, especially in an era when children are captivated by television, video games, the Internet and text messaging. When the nightly piles of homework and the numerous after-school activities are added to the mix, there is very little time left for nurturing the family.

In October, the Center on Education Policy’s research revealed that among students who face the same socioeconomic factors, quality parental involvement is the most important factor in determining a child’s success. And a survey by New America Media recently found that young adults, ages 16 to 22, are yearning for traditional structures, including marriage, parenthood and religion.

This is a message the National Parent Teacher Association (PTA) is hoping to get across to parents, especially those of color. “There is still a significant achievement gap. Minority families are underserved, underrepresented and unnecessarily falling behind the rest of society,” says Warlene Gary, chief executive of National PTA, in a recent press release. “We must provide leadership skills to minority leaders and lay the groundwork to involve more minority parents in their children’s education.”

This is especially important in light of the disparities found by New America Media between the top concerns of teens and their parents. Collectively, 66 percent of white, African-American, Latino and Asian youth cite school, money and personal relationships as their three main causes of stress. In contrast, their parents regularly rank nutrition, health, discipline and multimedia access among their top 10 concerns.

In an effort to connect with the community through the shared value of parenting, several local families share their frustrations and fears about the physical and emotional disconnect that is tearing families apart, the child obesity epidemic plaguing the nation and the lasting environmental legacy they will leave behind. They also share their unique stories and tips on how they ensure their families remain physically, emotionally and spiritually strong.

THE CAPESTANYS
Non-traditional Roles

Seven years ago, Sheila Capestany walked out of the office of Seattle City Councilmember Richard Conlin in her high heels and power suit for the last time. At age 34, she was pregnant with her first child and taking a year off. 

“I didn’t expect to love being a mom so much! That one-year mark came too quickly, but I missed my work.” And, Sheila admits, “The social circle I moved in – mostly career moms – tends to undervalue stay-at-home moms, so I really struggled with the decision to not go back.”

One year eventually turned into five as Sheila settled into motherhood with her son Eli, then gave birth to a second son, Alex, now 4. Meanwhile, her husband, Fred, supported the family by working in Student Programs at Highline Community College.

Though he loved his job, what he really wanted to do was teach. However, Fred soon discovered the only way to get his foot in the door would be to accept a part-time position, which meant Sheila would have to return to work. Her career track allowed for a more comfortable lifestyle and at an average cost of $400-$1,200 per month for daycare in Seattle, the Capestanys decided it made sense for Sheila to go back to work.

Reentering the workforce after a long hiatus can be taxing, but Sheila’s experience and tenacity soon landed her the position of strategic advisor in the City of Seattle’s Department of Human Services two years ago.

Fred acknowledges the hardships his wife has been through. “After being home for five years, it was very difficult for Sheila to let go of her ‘babies’ and turn over control to a man. It took her a long to have some peace with that decision. I don’t think I would have been as good if I had been in her shoes.”

“Actually, it was much easier because it was their father,” Sheila counters. “Plus, I think children are naturally very mommy-centered, so it’s been a true gift to watch the father-son relationship grow. Now there is more of a balance. If one of the boys are sick or just need to cuddle, they’ll climb on Fred’s lap as often as mine.”

“My relationship with my boys is so different,” says the hands-on dad who has always changed diapers and cherished his father-son Saturdays. “I have time to watch them develop and grow, be silly and goofy. I didn’t know how funny my kids are! I have an insight I didn’t have before when I was just getting ‘reports’ on their lives. Now, I’m actually experiencing it.”

A generation ago, it was rare to find a stay-at-home father, but today, thousands of families are embracing the option. The U.S. Census Bureau reports that more than 159,000 dads stayed home with their children in 2007, up from 98,000 just four years earlier.

“It’s good to have my dad at home, but I’m not really affected by it as much because I’m at school,” says Eli, who also admits he misses his mom a little. “I like that Dad picks me up from school, but I really like it when Mom comes.”

Although Fred hasn’t accepted any teaching positions, he is content with his life. He is actively involved in the boys’ schools and is passionate about civil rights, particularly legislation concerning U.S.-sponsored torture of terror suspects. He volunteers his professional skills to organizations such as the University Unitarian Church and Amnesty International.

“I’ve had to learn a different groove. I’m a planner and organizer, which are great skills for the logistics of running a home, but not for being a dad,” Fred says. “Kids live in the moment, so I’ve had to learn how to become more spontaneous, like Sheila. You just have to go with the flow when you can’t get through the grocery list or when you’re late for an appointment.”

Fred says his boys have also taught him some important business skills. “You need to know how to motivate people and, in order to build a relationship, you need love and respect and open communication. You can’t ultimately force anyone – especially kids – to do anything they don’t want to do.”

Finding a social network is the No. 1 concern for new stay-at-home dads. While many turn to the Internet to find support, Fred admits he’s been very lucky that Sheila’s friends have brought him into their circle. “Sheila has a great network of friends who have accepted me in a really cool, beautiful way. But, I can see how it could be weird or how it could make other moms nervous.”

Losing a sense of masculinity or identity are other important issues that full-time fathers struggle with. “When you make this kind of switch, it’s easy to feel like your manhood is being threatened. Guys’ identities have always been tied to bringing home the money, making a difference in the community and all that hunting and gathering stuff,” Fred says. “Suddenly they start questioning who they are.”

But, Fred, who has worked with women for years in higher education and at Planned Parenthood, feels completely comfortable in his new surroundings. “I know Sheila would trade back in a heartbeat, but I rarely miss it. I’m not ready to go back. I’m experiencing too many things at home.”

Limited Media Access

While Fred claims the initial transition went fairly smoothly, he also admits it was really just the honeymoon phase. The boys would quickly learn that Dad had his own rules – and that they were often stricter than Mom’s.

One of these new rules was limited access to media. “I’m a bit tougher on that item than Sheila is,” Fred says, chuckling about his wife who still pines away for the days of A&E. “Some might say I’m a little obsessed, but, I’m just really serious about limiting the screen time to an average of one hour a day.”

That’s only one-fourth of the time the average American child spends in front of the TV each day. The few shows Eli and Alex are allowed to watch are heavily monitored by Dad – no Disney, no Cartoon Network, no Saturday morning specials on ABC. Instead, the boys are encouraged to watch PBS, CBC Kids or pre-approved DVDs – all shows with limited or no exposure to sponsors. That also means restrictions on commercial toys – no Cars or Winnie the Pooh or Mickey Mouse.

“I’m extremely troubled by the commercialization of kid’s lives. They are so oversaturated,” Fred says. “It’s not like my boys don’t want those Cars tennis shoes, I just steer them away. If you start down that path, it will never stop, then one day your kid is in the middle of the store throwing a fit about a toy you won’t buy.”

Fred is not alone in his beliefs. The Kaiser Family Foundation reported last June that 65 percent of parents they polled  closely monitor their children’s media use. Still only 46 percent of parents regularly use the pre-installed V-chip technology in TVs – which enables blocking of programs to monitor their children’s viewing habits – despite the fact that nearly three-quarters of parents who utilize it say they find it very useful.

“It’s funny, because my mom was strict about the type of movies we watched and I hated it!” says Fred, who grew up in Rainier Valley with parents who emigrated from Havana, Cuba, in the 1960s. “If it wasn’t endorsed by the Catholic Northwest Progress, we weren’t allowed to see it. Now, I use the equivalent – a parent website that lets me view all the violent scenes in a movie. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, but then I can judge for myself what’s appropriate.”

Instead of spending hours in front of the television or computer, Eli and Alex are challenged to get outside and exercise their creativity. Playing board games as a whole family is one of Eli’s favorite activities.

“I love to play money games like Monopoly,” Eli says. “Oh, and Uno Spin.”

“I like racing my cars and running with my mom!” Alex exclaims.

“We might sound like radical hippies – and in some ways we are,” Fred says, laughing, “but we are middle-class people just trying to prepare our boys for choosing a natural, healthy way of being. Our parenting choices are guided by doing what feels natural, what feels right.”

Eli, at age 7, has already received this message loud and clear. Following Fred’s lead, Eli has become a vegetarian, although he is much stricter in his beliefs. Fred prepares about 70 percent of the meals, which are all produce-based. Eli is often on hand to assist him. He checks the ingredient list before eating anything unfamiliar and even refuses to eat products like marshmallows because they are made from gelatin, a pork by-product.

“My dad sort of gave me the idea, but I also just kind of thought of it on my own,” explains Eli, whose favorite food is broccoli. “I don’t like to hurt animals and I like studying about plants and animals.”

Moving Forward

Like many parents who work day in and day out to financially support their family, Sheila often feels the pressure of being the sole earner. “The responsibility to put food on the table and make sure my sons can go to the doctor has been really eye-opening,” says Sheila, who nearly passed on an incredible opportunity to become the executive director of Open Arms Perinatal Services, a nonprofit group matching doulas with low-income women. Following her heart, and upon assurances from her husband that they will be just fine, Sheila will start the new job this month.

The Capestanys are also looking forward to expanding their family, possibly as early as February or March. They recently received their adoption license and will work with the foster-care program to adopt a young African-American or Latina girl.

“Maybe now there will be a little more balance in the house!” Fred jokes, referring to the gender imbalance in the Capestany household. “One factor that was very important to us was that our new daughter be compatible with our own cultural backgrounds . Now, we are just waiting for a placement.”

“Adoption has always felt right. It has always been a part of how we planned to form a family,” Sheila explains, who was adopted into a large Portland family with six siblings.

“If there is any advice I would give parents, it would be not to miss the incredible gift of doing family, the way we used to,” Sheila says. “Don’t forget to stop and watch them grow – not year-by-year, but minute-by-minute. I know it was an incredible privilege to stay home, but I really do think it is a lifestyle choice. The sacredness of family needs to be honored. When the family is at the center, then you are giving your children and yourself the greatest gift there is to give. Don’t underestimate the gift of each other.”

LAURA MCPHERSON & MARK AIKEN
MULTICULTURAL EXPOSURE

After spending an exhaustive, yet rewarding day working with middle-school families through the University of Washington School of Nursing, Laura McPherson, makes sure she carves out a least half an hour each evening to sit on the floor and play with her 2-year-old daughter, Ryan Marie.

“There have been so many times when I would love to sit her down in front of the TV and take care of everything that needs to be done,” Laura , 32, explains, “but, I know I would only be cheating Ryan and myself.”

Adjusting to the new life their daughter brought wasn’t easy for Laura and her husband, Mark Aiken, who owns a computer software company. “There were so many big decisions to make – Should we nurse or use a bottle? Cloth or disposable diapers? Daycare or stay at home?” Laura says.

The young couple were also concerned about how their adventurous lives might be impacted, but they knew they wanted to continue experiencing all the world had to offer, with Ryan by their side. In her two short years, Ryan has been on more than 20 flights, from the East Coast to the West, from Canada to Mexico and across the seas to Eastern Europe, where her 5-month-old eyes took in the breathtaking sights of Budapest, Krakow, Prague and Tuscany. She just recently returned from her uncle’s Sri Lankan wedding in California.

“Yes, it takes much more work to travel with a baby, especially when you have to think about naps and eating and entertainment,” Laura explains, “but, it’s always worth it because traveling with Ryan has offered us a completely different experience than when we were out there backpacking on our own.”

The cultural experiences don’t end when Laura, Mark and Ryan return home. Ryan’s maternal grandparents are Caribbean and Canadian, while her father’s parents are Irish and American. Mark, who was raised in Montreal, Canada, also speaks French.  

Researchers have discovered that culturally responsive teaching is critically important to eliminating the academic achievement gap and increasing learning, awareness, respect, sensitivity and understanding for students of all backgrounds. As Ryan approaches the age where researchers now believe children are best wired for language acquisition, Laura and Mark are looking at their options for exposure.

Hailing from Canada, both are fundamentally opposed to private schools, so they are looking elsewhere. Mark  shares his French heritage through storybooks and games, while Ryan plays with Cambodian, Chinese, Somali, Vietnamese and Ethiopian children each week at the Refugee Alliance Preschool.           

A Natural Life

In this Seattle family, maintaining a healthy and environmentally safe household is just as important as cultural awareness. Laura sits on the board of the Community Birth and Family Center, an organization that promotes birth choices and that works with families of newborns up to 3 years old.

During her pregnancy, Laura participated in birthing classes and utilized the assistance of a doula. Laura and Mark seriously considered using a midwife, but Ryan’s early arrival – by six weeks – forced them to use their family doctor, whom they both adore.

“Our family doctor oversaw the entire pregnancy, not an ob-gyn,” Laura explains. “You do need consultants, but the experience of birth is not a medical event, certainly not a high risk one. I’m also skeptical of the high C-section rates hospitals have and the heavy restrictions they impose, like not being able to drink any liquids or go to the bathroom. Plus, they expect you to stay in bed instead of moving around, which actually helps the birth process.”

For the first six months, Ryan was wrapped in a swaddle and kept close to her parent’s bodies and slept snugly tucked between them each night. Laura also nursed Ryan until she was 2 years old, a rarity for working moms. While more moms than ever (in recent years) are attempting to breastfeed, only 36 percent make it to the six-month mark and fewer than 17 percent nurse for an entire year.

Although more than half of nursing moms wish they could have continued longer, they often give up in the face of work schedules that don’t allow time for pumping and the public scorn they receive. According to the American Dietetic Association, more than half of the Americans surveyed said they disapprove of public breastfeeding.

“We really wanted a natural program for raising Ryan,” Laura says. “We just did what seemed right and what worked for both of us. I did curb nursing at the office, but I didn’t let the one-year conventional attitude stop me from breastfeeding in the morning and at night.”

Laura and Mark also chose to put Ryan in cloth diapers, mostly for environmental reasons. “Seattle has a very clean energy that I wanted to contribute to,” explains Laura, who now uses disposable diapers at night for her potty-trained daughter. “It’s really not any more difficult than disposables.”

In addition, the family is enrolled in a Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) group, which links them to a farm in Carnation, Wash. Each January, Laura pledges a financial contribution, and every Saturday from June through October, the family collects a fresh box of produce.

“It is no more expensive than if we shop at the grocery store,” she says. “In exchange, we get beautiful fruits and vegetables that have no pesticides, no long-distance travel time and that are absolutely delicious. It’s amazing how much better the food tastes when it is from here!”

The health benefits cannot be underestimated. A recent UW study that tracked the eating habits of 30 preschoolers found that the children with conventional diets had six to nine times more toxic pesticides in their pint-sized bodies as the kids who consumed an organic diet. The devastating side effects of DDT were not discovered until 30 years after it was banned for environmental reasons. No one knows for sure how the new generation of chemicals will affect our children and our world for many years to come. Yet, only 3 percent of Americans are utilizing organic food sources.

Still, sales of organic food increased by nearly 20 percent last year, compared to only 3 percent for conventional food sources.

Organic foods not only provide a healthier alternative, but also an important opportunity for quality family time. This past summer, Ryan discovered a new favorite activity – collecting eggs from the chickens. She also helps Mom and Dad put the hand-picked berries in the basket, and when she gets home, assists with canning. “Whenever we pull out the jam, Ryan gets all excited because she knows she helped make it.”

In fact, studies have shown that when children are shown how to care for their environment, they often have a very deep respect for it. The most successful school-to-farm programs are integrated into the school’s culture, from gardens being planted during science class to cafeteria scraps being placed into worn bins to integrating nutrition into math and vocabulary classes.

While less than 11,000 schools in 34 states have farm-to-school programs, both the Seattle and Olympia school districts have made great strides. All 19,000 students in Seattle are provided with healthier food options, such as brown rice and organic produce, while the 18 schools in Olympia offer salad bars that are stocked with organically grown greens, carrots, winter squash, potatoes, onions and seasonal fruit. Nearly 7 percent of it comes from local farms via a contract with Food Services of America.

Schools struggling to find the money to support such programs – and the local farmers who are anxious to provide local produce to local families – are anxiously watching the $288 billion, five-year subsidy Farm Bill, which passed in both the House and Senate last year. A final proposal, expected to be submitted to President Bush early this year, will, in part: make it legal for schools to favor local farm suppliers; provide an extra 75 cents per day to select schools to pay for fresh produce; and fund farm-to-school startups, farmers markets, gardens and other nutrition programs in low-income communities. A bipartisan coalition that includes the Washington Environmental Council is demanding that farm-to-school legislation be a top priority in 2008, especially in a region so agriculturally rich.

The Choices We Make

“We definitely don’t consider ourselves alternative parents just because we are a cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, organic food-serving family,” Laura says laughingly. “We are just advocates of choice. Each family needs to make choices based on what’s right for them. Each one of these choices, for us, just seemed natural.”

“I know we are privileged to be able to make these choices, certainly more than our parents were,” continues Laura, who recalls a childhood in which her mother didn’t have the same luxuries. “It is such a wonderful opportunity to be able to make mindful decisions. Sometimes, if you don’t have the money, you may not be able to stay home or cook organic food.”

She is very troubled by the lack of diversity at the Mommy-support programs she attends. Shortly after Ryan was born, Laura attended a newborn parent drop-in program, but, overwhelmed by the number of white faces in the room, she never returned.

“I’m sad I didn’t go back to that class because it could have been useful,” Laura says . “I definitely notice that I’m usually the only brown face and it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve often wondered where people of color get their support. You don’t find groups of people of color who share my interests. It’s such a yuppie thing to do!”